What's it all about??

(about the 5th attempt on this painting!)
I often wonder why I end up going ballistic over things that really don't matter all that much. So what if it's so hot that it hurts or that the glass on the oven door shattered after the warranty expired or that appointments get changed or that Stacy still needs at least one more test before she finally gets onto a kidney transplant list? And how come I'm easily upset by the odd things mom does while wandering around the Alzheimer's abyss? Maybe it's self-protection to always be a bit angry or stressed over things? I let my guard down on Monday and feel as shattered as the glass on the oven door that exploded on the 4th of July! At least the glass can be replaced while I on the other hand need to dig myself out of the black hole once again. Watching mom slide into a place where I can no longer reach her is the most painful thing I've ever dealt with; I often think that maybe the timing was preplanned to keep me from the feelings I have about a kidney transplant. I'm still not sure it's the best thing for Stacy. But, she's at a cross-roads where she'll start to lose ground the longer she's on dialysis. The options aren't good. Either is the news about all of the things that could go wrong . . . So, if I'm a bit angry most days I can deal with whatever comes up, but if I fall apart I can't handle even the slightest thing like having a horrible spider bite on my leg without going to bed and sleeping for days.
This piece drove me nuts! Or maybe it was supposed to challenge me to think about something other than the daily dose of dealing with the wasted 4 hour round trip to Loma Linda (the last urologist didn't do enough tests!) or perhaps I needed to literally throw paint at something because I often want to scream about the latest "lost" item that mom has misplaced? She always thinks that someone has taken her things; I loathe searching for things, but then who doesn't?
(closeup)
Whatever the reason I can't get over the transformation of the blah lifeless painting to something rather exciting. At least it's exciting to me. For quite some time I have wanted to do a painting in shades of white with a some brown thrown in; nope, that's not black on the painting, it's chocolate brown, but nothing worked!
(closeup)
I also wanted the piece to look like a wall or the side of an old building. The textures were created with lots of gesso, tar gel, sand and layers and layers of paint that I painted over with gesso for a clean-slate each time I wasn't satisfied with the direction the painting was going. It finally came together when I let go of trying to make it behave. Letting go is what life is all about; when will I learn that?

I treated to myself to an IPod upgrade yesterday, before I found out how much the replacement glass for the oven is costing!, and while downloading Cd's I came across a Neil Diamond quote. "I never tried to fit in because that meant conforming what I could write or what I could do to a certain set of rules . . ."