Views From the Car

Since arriving in the desert I've spent more time running errands and taking care of medical emergencies and appointments than I ever considered possible. The belief that "life is an illusion" is becoming more apparent as the years go by. The desert feels like an illusion, one I continue to believe I can wake up from. I'm still so disoriented that every morning I try to shake off the illusion of living here. It's not that I dislike the area with any intensity its dealing with too many unfamiliar entities that has brought on the "grand despair." How the hospital is run, the new doctors, the set-up at the dialysis clinic and dealing with mom's disappearing brain cells while mine are on hiatus is more than I can cope with at the moment.

Yesterday was one of those days when floods of tears coursed down my cheeks every time I thought about all of the details I need to attend to; how can I manage them all?! I've never been enamored with the phone in fact I find the instrument intrusive and annoying! I'd rather speak to someone in person, but now I spend hours on the damned thing attempting to get the right kind of help for Stacy and mom and to un-do mistakes! I should be making about 5 calls today to Social Security and insurance companies but I could barely drag myself out of bed.

One of the symptoms of Fibromyalgia, other than pain, is brain fog and when it strikes I struggle with it in the same way I now watch mom try to figure out the most basic things like finding her wallet in a nearly empty purse. Suddenly her wallet doesn't look familiar. When I feel like I have for the last few days it's hard to believe that the brain fog will dissipate and I'll be able to semi-function again. Stress, the silent killer, is what pushes Fibro symptoms over the top so it's not surprising that the brain fog has reared up its ugly head once again!

My new 5 piece desk unit is finally together! Took me over a week to get it assembled and happily my SIL finished the last piece, the hutch, and then put all of the computer components, printers and scanner just where I wanted them. He also finally got the VCR/DVD player hooked up to the DVR unit in my bedroom! I unpacked 5 more boxes of ephemera and photos and am elated that they are now stored in filing cabinet drawers within easy reach of the new scanner. I need a refresher course on how to use the scanner that I've only used twice. But the missing brain cells are telling me that will have to wait. All-in-all I feel a bit more settled-in even though there are numerous boxes sitting in the walk-in closet and mucking up space in the garage! The nice thing about having one car is that I finally have storage space!

When the Camry blew-up a few weeks before the move everyone, including me, assumed that there was a new car in my future. We now know that that episode was a "smooth" transition of getting rid of one car so that not only would I continue doing all of the grocery shopping but that I would become the driver to and from the dialysis clinic now that mom isn't able to drive anymore. Talk about the universe taking care of details that might otherwise have been harder on everyone! Wouldn't it be grand though if more of the details were worked out at smoothly . . .

I had hoped to be able to start the Palm Tree photo series, but exhaustion has robbed me of energy in which to leave the house on non-dialysis days. Three days of getting ready to leave the house is more than I'm used to doing and when the days are combined with endless hours of running errands . . . Grabbing the camera out of my purse while driving seems to be about the only way I can photograph right now! The shots aren't noteworthy, but they might provide a sense of place . . .