Friday, September 22, 2006


What a difference a few weeks makes! The house is ready to move into! The Casita, mom's place, is next to the garage and is separate from the house; there are two front windows in the casita and a sliding door entrance. The entrance to the house turned out better than I thought it was going to. The front yard is maintained by the association so it's already been planted! I'm looking forward to landscaping the back yard. And here I thought I'd never like having a new house in a complex! I've grown weary of the messy yards on the block where I've lived for 21 years and how tacky some of the houses are. I used to think that I had to live in an area where the houses had character, but now I find that I'm ready for a tidy neat house! I just hope that it doesn't curtail creativity!

Monday, September 18, 2006

Happy Birthday to Me!!

I took a little time out today to go to lunch with my best friend. No birthday cake, but at my age it only goes to places that don't need anymore pounds added to them anyway!

On Saturday, when I finally worked my way to the bottom of a drawer, I discovered a photo of me with the famous photographer Cole Weston. I think that it was taken during a workshop that my partner and I had organized about 22 years ago! I have no idea why my hair doesn't look blonde! But even now with lots of grey streaks running through my hair I'm still a blonde with brown eyes. Cole was in his 60's and at the time of this photo and was dating a woman 12 years younger than I was! He died a few years ago well into his 80's.

Two weeks from today I'll be moved into the new house! I'm practically counting the hours!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Wishing For A Full Moon!

While you have a thing it can be taken from you, but when you give it, no robber can take it from you. It will be yours forever.
James Joyce

So much for the heat-wave! It only lasted for 1.5 days! The drippy fog has returned dampening my spirits and making the FM pain flare-up on par with the brain-fog and exhaustion. The trio is an obstacle that I don't have time to deal with. I need to be packed two weeks from today . . . Can I pull it off?!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The Process

I've lived through so many trials that I know if I don't go through a process that works for me then the drama will come back and bite me again and again! My process is that I first go through great disbelief, then I take care of what needs to be done for the situation, then I wallow around in the drama for awhile and move on!

I've moved on from the car and am once again taking care of business! Today a lot of my plants are being picked up by my friend who will give them the attention they need. I feel good about this even though they will no longer brighten my day.

The top grouping of black and white photos hung over my couch. I'm so tired of those black ledges that I'm donating them! The collage piece on lower left is a paper weaving with foreign coins. It's not as shiny as portrayed in the pic. The mirror started out as a multi-layered frame that I filled with a canvas painted black then sprayed with two colors of spray webbing before attaching the mirror. "Breathe" is a reminder to not hold my breath during moments of stress. Everything is now packed . . .

Well the long-awaited Sept. heat-wave seems to be slowly arriving!

Sunday, September 10, 2006


I woke up in tears! There isn't an ounce of energy left in my poor exhausted body and the FM flare-up is having a flare-up of such magnitude that I wanted to shout, "I give up!"
Today I'd much rather stay in this old moldy house than move forward. I know every inch of this house and how things fit into it. I know how the moisture from the fog drips off of the roof and where to put things under the eaves so that they won't get damp. And I know that I'll miss some of my plants that are too fragile to make the move with me!
The scent of jasmine was strong this morning when I toddled out to the curb to retrieve the Sunday newspaper. The vine is presently hidden behind a stack of boxes so I had no idea that there was a glorious patch of blooms on it!
I'm too tired, frustrated, and distraught to drum up any enthusiam over moving into a new house! I know that today is just another rough patch, but oh how I'd love to crawl back into bed and stay. There is a plate of French toast beckoning me from the kitchen, that is once I fry the soaked sourdough bread!

"In times of crisis, people reach for meaning. Meaning
in strength. Our survival may depend on our seeking
and finding it."
Victor Frankel

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Chapters Closing

Every time I seal a box with tape I feel as if a chapter of my life is closing. But I had no idea that I would be moving forward in such a dramatic way as having my beloved car explode two days ago leaving me once again car-less! This car was unlike many of the ones I've owned in the past, it never once required any attention and handled like a dream! Though, I did have a few "visions" about it breaking down on a long stretch of road in the desert, which I assumed was just fear about facing new experiences.

A loud boom was followed by smoke billowing out from under the hood and the immediate loss of power. I was going uphill on the Munras on-ramp heading onto a section of Hwy. 1 when the drama started. I was able to pull off of the road and who do you call when something breaks down? Mom! "Call 911!" Of course I had thought about doing that but I wanted her to know first in case the smoke turned into flames. I've gotten pretty good at phoning 911, well not really, but I did know that I didn't need every emergency vehicle in Monterey to show up so I told the dispatcher I only needed a fire truck. Then I phoned AAA for a tow truck and when I disconnected that call on the cell much to my dismay the fire truck was barreling up Munras with a police car behind it slowing the traffic down. The truck blocked traffic from entering the on-ramp! I was horrified! The smoke was barely discernable and traffic immediately started backing up clear to the shopping center! Oh well!
No flames, but oil was leaking out all over the pavement so a bucket of sand was poured on it. Then when everyone decided that the car wasn't going to catch on fire the traffic was allowed to flow once again. By that time I was shaking pretty good and Stacy was hysterical! A fabulous police officer drove up and offered us sanctuary on his backseat and when the tow truck finally arrived 45 minutes after I had phoned for one, the officer offered us a ride wherever we needed to go. We had been on the way to moms to help her pack so he drove us from Monterey to Carmel Valley. Talk about service!
Later I was to learn that the engine had thrown a rod and cracked the block and that a new engine runs around $6,500 and up! I love my car, but . . . I filled out an online form to donate the car to the Polly Klass Foundation and after the initial info was taken I was told I would hear in a couple of days if the car was accepted.
I have so many things to do that require a car so I'm at the mercy of friends! I can't seem to shake the loss of the car! The last month has been a bit too surreal! I'm still in shock over moving and now this!

I'm going to miss the walkway (above) with its combo of stone and brick! Who knew that it created such a fabulous background for just about anything I place on it! The branch full of pine cones was another one that landed in my yard.
Usually by this time of year we're having a heat wave, but yesterday was the coldest Sept. 8th in 57 years! It's still 100 degrees in the desert!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006


I feel like my life has gone AWOL! At least the part of it that I recognize. The part of me that is on duty has turned into someone I don't recognize. Nearly all of my art supplies have been packed and with the sealing of each box more of what brings me happiness has disappeared. I assumed that it would be difficult to maintain my equilibrium without being able to paint some paper or experiment with a new technique. Three new magazines and a zine have arrived in the last three weeks and I have absolutely no interest in them. I know that it's true that what one focuses on becomes important, but I am rather surprised that I have slipped so easily into this non-creative mode. Will I be able to find my way back to what has fed my spirit and kept me sane for the last six years; will I be able to pick up where I left off, on the brink of working with fabric; will I . . .?? I have no idea, but at the moment creating art doesn't feel necessary. Where is this latest journey taking me?

I had a feeling that packing would be just as draining as it's turning out to be. If there wasn't a pot-of-gold at the end of this exhausting task of sorting out, throwing away, and packing up what has taken 20 years to fill up this tiny house with, then I would surrender and stay put! The desert seems to be calling me with a pull that is foreign. The pull to live here on the Monterey Peninsula 30 years ago was a strong one, so much so that I moved without questioning if it was the right thing to do. How could someone who loves the ocean as much as I do move to an arid part of CA? I now wish that I had taken more than the two photos above, but at the time I was in shock about the possibilty that I would be living there and didn't see any reason to photograph the scenery. Arid? Doesn't look that way in the photographs, does it? Trust me, outside of the housing complex it's very evident that it is arid! Just beyond the man-made lake in the photo on the left are rooftops of some of the houses in the complex. A few more pictures might have provided a better reminder, a reminder to keep my eye on the pot-of-gold rather than to wallow in despair and exhaustion.

I had always planned to photograph the interior of this house before I moved, but most the living room is now packed so that option is no longer open. Deep down I know that I will always remember the furniture placement and the way the room seemed to wrap around me like a cocoon when I needed to feel safe. I will remember how the morning light wakes me up on sunny days, which are often few and far between. I will remember how on balmy nights I can hear the seals bark and am in awe that the sound carries all the way from Monterey Bay to my ears a couple of miles away. I will remember how compact the ornamental plum tree was 20 years ago and how it has become one of the tallest trees on the block. I will remember many treasured moments and the many losses that have occurred while living here. The latest loss was an uncle who died on Aug. 23 a few weeks short of his 88th birthday. The best memories can't be photographed and they will remain with me until I can no longer remember them.

I have questioned my reluctance to pick up my camera and photograph the last few weeks here but now I have a better understanding of why I couldn't. In some ways it's too painful to think about leaving here while at the same time I've already mentally left. And so the gamut of emotions continues . . .